I Am A Bad Friend

I am a bad friend. I know I am a bad friend but I promise you I think of you daily and smile about the good times we have had and the friendship I hope we still share. I work from home, am raising a toddler who doesn't sleep and am caretaker for my disabled father. My plate is full.

My days consist of caring for my dad, caring and playing with my demanding 3 year old (whom I love to death) and finding time to work from home with a full time work load. Being productive during the day is almost impossible when someone always seems to need something or my girl is pulling my hand for me to play with her. This means I need to wait until my very supportive husband gets home from work to be truly productive and actually complete the tasks that probably should have been done earlier in the day. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, I work nights. 

My dad and child don't disappear on the weekends and although during this time I have help from the hubby I am still getting caught up with my work and need to do some cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. Then there is almost always one family event over the weekend. Plus my husband and I try to do something for fun with our daughter and have some "family time" even if it is just a family trip to Target or going to grab some pizza. We don't get the opportunity often so we need to take these little outings when we can.

When I am actually caught up with work, housework and we don't have plans, I am downright exhausted. This rarely happens so if I have a day to do nothing I really want to do nothing. I don't want to have to get dressed or clean for anyone. I want to sit on my couch in my PJs in my cluttered living room in complete bliss until of course my daughter or dad need something. 

And no my daughter doesn't nap. She hasn't napped since she was one. I don't have that time some other parent's have to get stuff done. She also requires very little sleep. Up until about midnight or later and up by 7am. So I do not have the luxury to do stuff after she's in bed or before she gets up unless I want to cut down the 5 hours of sleep I get a night to 3 hours of sleep. And before you lecture me on why my daughter is up until midnight this is an improvement from 2am and believe me I wish I was lucky enough to have her in bed and asleep by 9. Nobody wants that more than me. 

On top of all of this, my father cannot be left alone. So if I want to go out I need to have someone to sit with him which isn't always so easy to find. People don't understand that for my husband and I  to "go out" we need childcare for Liv and someone to take care of my father. It's an ordeal and sometimes not worth the trouble.

Now when I do get that day or two a month where the planets align and I have the free time to go out and am not completely and utterly exhausted I run into my next dilemma. There are a couple of you. I am blessed to have a few really good friends so I need to alternate who I use this time to see.  So I could go a few months without seeing you.

It truly breaks my heart that I cannot spend the time with you that I used to but my days are consumed and I am tired. I meant it when I said I think of you daily and want to make plans but sometimes the reality of that isn't always possible. I didn't write this for you to feel bad for me. I love motherhood, my family and my work but I wanted you to understand that you are still one of my best friends. I just hope I am still one of yours. xoxo