Friday, May 15, 2015

Do You Want To Play With Me?

I feel guilty saying this but I cringe every time my daughter comes to me and asks: "do you want to play with me?" Before you get disgusted with me, let me explain why. My daughter is now three and years before we had her I worked really hard to build my own businesses so I would be able to work from home once we had children. I wanted to be home with them and spend quality time with them and I feel that somewhere along the way I lost my way.

One of my businesses has become super successful and with a few other successful ventures I am a very busy person. I spend my day making orders, packaging orders, responding to emails, marketing, etc. I do all of this from home so my daughter doesn't need to be in daycare. Problem is I am not really "home" with her. I am too preoccupied with work to spend much quality time with her during the day.

She can possibly spend hours playing in her room or watching her fave TV shows but there are other days where she wants me to play with her all day. She has no siblings so I am sure she gets lonely but I have work to get done. Genuine work. Inevitably I need to give in at times and when I do I feel like I am not truly present in the moment because the post office is closing in two hours and I still have three orders to finish. I am internally freaking out.

I do have a lot of late nights so I can do things with her during the day at times but sometimes the work needs to be done during the day, whether it be an important email that needs to be answered or needing to finish something to get to the post office that day. I feel horrible every time I need to answer "Do you want to play with me?" with "later honey" or "I have work to do."

In September I plan on her going to nursery school for more days and longer hours so at least those days she has lots of time to play with other children and mommy can use those days to work my booty off so the days she's home I can play with her more. I am also contemplating getting a mommy's helper for the summer at least for a few days a week. My helper's only job will be to play with Liv and keep her happy.

I never knew working from home with little ones would be such a struggle in so many ways from constantly being interrupted to constantly feeling guilty. It certainly is a balancing act I have yet to perfect. Maybe for the next one. xoxo

Friday, May 8, 2015

A Motherless Mother's Day

This is my first Mother's Day without my mom and I was sure I was going to boycott the holiday completely. Walking around stores and seeing Mother's Day displays and all the Mother's Day commercials have really made me angry these past few weeks. Although I am a mom, the person I celebrated for the past 33 years is no longer here so in my mind there was no reason to celebrate. I was sure I was going to spend the day alone and in tears feeling sorry for myself.

A few days ago I came to the realization that it would be selfish to be miserable on Mother's Day. My mom wouldn't want that, she would want me to celebrate the fact that I am a mom. And I realized just because my mom is no longer here doesn't mean she can no longer be celebrated. We can still honor her and remember the 33 years of memories we did have together.

Mother's Day was always when we would kick off our family barbecue season so I decided we would have a barbecue on Sunday. We can keep the tradition going. Part of my decision to have the barbecue is a bit selfish; I figured it would be a great distraction from the profound sadness I know will be in my heart that day. Having family and friends around plus catering to our guests will keep my mind somewhat occupied.

Sunday is sure to be difficult and I am sure a good amount of tears will be shed but being alone isn't going to make things better or bring her back. I am going to try my best to celebrate her and hope she is there looking down on me with a smile on her face. Happy Mother's Day Mom!!! I miss you more than I could ever express. I love you!!! xoxo

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

What I Want To Do For Mother's Day

What do I want to do for Mother's Day? NOTHING. You read that right, absolutely nothing. I don't want to have to shower and find clothes that look decent on me, argue with my three year old to get dressed and have to rush everyone and be the bad guy because I am the only one who seems to be running on time. It's all the daily grind stress that I don't want. For one day, I want to be able to sit still and just be.

In actuality we will be having a BBQ at my house for family and my husband swears he will do all the work and he's a great guy and I'm sure he'll try but inevitably I'll be needing to cater to guests as well. I'll also need to clean for this shindig. I'm messy especially working from home and having to have the place in good shape for Sunday means a very stressful Saturday for me. I'll need to be showered and dressed and argue with Liv to do the same. Don't get me wrong, this is a better solution than going out for me and then racing to see Joe's mom as well and also having to worry about what we are doing with my dad but it still won't be relaxing. I'm sure it will be fun, it always is but once again it won't really be about me having time to relax.

All I want to do is sit home in pajamas, not need to cater to my daughter and dad and just watch movies and eat junk food all day and not need to worry about another soul. Just have a mindless, relaxing, stress free day. Is that too much to ask? Oh wait, I'm a mom so yes it is. Happy Mother's Day to me......xoxo

Monday, May 4, 2015

Unspoken - Cain Talent's 2015 Disability Film Challenge Entry

Cain Talent recently participated in The Disability Film Challenge with their short film "Unspoken." The film challenge's purpose was to give disabled film makers exposure and lets their stories be told.

When I first watched Cain Talent's entry I didn't know anything about the rules and vaguely knew that the theme had something to do with disabilities. As I watched "Unspoken" I found myself thinking "I thought this was supposed to be about someone with a disability." It wasn't until the very end that it was revealed that the object of the young boy's affection was actually deaf.

I thought this was brilliantly thought out because the film appeared to be about young love, which it was, but it also showed misunderstanding that we learn was due to this young girls' disability. The fact that this piece of information wasn't told right away really shows how so many times there may be a miscommunication due to something that may not be understood right away. We all need to truly try and comprehend a situation before jumping to conclusions.

The boy played by Isaac Galizio and the deaf girl played by Lilianna LaVirtu did a great job bringing me back to childhood and the years of young crushes. Aiden Markowitz as the voice of the young boy narrating the film, did a good job conveying the boy's innocent frustration in trying to win the young girl's attention.

This short film certainly put a smile on my face and made me excited to see future shorts by Cain Talent Short Films. You can check it out below!!