Thursday, January 22, 2015

Unfocused


I am trying to stay strong. I am trying to get on with my day to day but it is as difficult as you would imagine to try and move on with life. I suppose I should be easy on myself considering it hasn't even been a month since we found my mother dead but I want to be able to move on and am having a hard time.

One of my biggest obstacles right now is trying to stay focused on tasks and it is a daily, moment to moment struggle. I feel like I have a million half finished projects and it is really hard for me to complete anything. Something that should take me a few hours is taking me a few days because no matter how hard I try my brain is all over the place making it next to impossible to stay on one particular task for too long.

Sometimes my thoughts wander to the fact that my young, healthy mother is gone in the blink of an eye and how she won't be around for holidays anymore or how she won't see Olivia or my nephews grow up. Her grandchildren were her world and it would have broken her heart if she knew she would never seen them grow up. Then I think of that horrible morning. I can't help but truly hope her death was instantaneous and that she wasn't lying on the floor knowing she was dying. That is the one thing I fear the most and cannot stop thinking about. Those thoughts haunt me and probably will for a very long time.

Besides losing my mom, my husband, daughter and I needed to pick up and move in with my dad. My mom was his 24 hour a day caregiver after his multiple strokes and I needed to come and fill that roll. We didn't want to change too much on my dad so we don't even have a bed in the house yet and are all living out of suitcases. I feel like I don't even have a home. Because we needed to jump right in and fulfill this role I feel I had no proper time to mourn, I needed to immediately figure out all my dad's medical and day to day needs and get right to it.

So I suppose it is normal between the mourning of my mom and my move and complete lifestyle change that my brain is a bit fogged although, I wish it would clear soon. I have a feeling I will be dealing with this for a while, though. Everyone keeps telling me to slow down and just take care of my daughter and my dad and not worry about anything at least for the time being but I am self employed. I work from home and the second I slack I can feel it. I am a hustler and my clouded brain is making it hard for me to be the mover and shaker I normally am.

I think I am going to try just setting one attainable goal each day to not get myself overwhelmed but to also help me finish projects. I think I have too many things I want to accomplish I just keep bouncing from task to task but in reality I am not really accomplishing anything. I need to start small until I build up my mental strength again. I just hope that slowly I can become the girl I once was.

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7 comments:

  1. All of these feelings are so normal....your world was rocked on so many levels. Between the death of your mom, the move, the new role of a caregiver, as well as your other daily demands you are up against the wall. The important part is to know that all your feelings are justified, there is no time frame for grief, and that you still have to take time for you. Sending you hugs my dear friend and thinking of you!

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  2. Setting a small goal for each day is a great idea - and attainable. Once those start rolling in to place you will mentally feel "clearer". Every day is a new day - but don't deny yourself the time to grieve. That is ok and completely normal! Always sending hugs your way XO

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  3. It's going to take lots of time. It just is. Just keep getting through it day by day. I think it's wonderful that your family is able to now care for your dad. You are doing a great thing for him. Hugs!!!!!

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  4. I can't imagine what you're going through. But I think setting one goal per day sounds like a good plan. Thinking of you.

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  5. so very sorry for your loss, what a lot to have o deal with. Sending positive thoughts your way

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  6. My condolences to you for your loss. It's okay to grieve. I became a full-time caretaker for my mom a few months ago and know how it can turn a world upside down. I wish you all the best as you do it for your dad. Stay strong and positive. It will get better. Cherish the days and the times. My prayers go out to you.

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